My life has been a spiritual journey from the very beginning. I grew up a "cradle Catholic." Very faithful family, and all extended family members, to our religion. Regular Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation attendance. No meat on Fridays (year-round when I was a child, before Vatican II). It was a "culture" as well as a religion, and wrapped me in a safe cocoon of belonging. My grandmother taught me about being at peace in Nature. Observing the animals and the plants, being aware of and appreciating the changing of the seasons. Her practical nature also recognized the need for beauty and so she planted not only loads of veggies and had an apple tree and a grape arbor, canned and pickled her produce. She also grew an equal amount of flowers because she said beauty was as important as the practical. I think the beauty of her flowers let her spirit soar. I learned that on a hot summer afternoon, sitting inside a hedge, and listening to the sleepy chatter of the birds, the rustlings of the squirrels, the quiet murmurings of a breeze in the trees and bushes, there was a special quiet time that nurtured me INSIDE, in my spirit. That was probably my first connection to the Goddess. Of course, I didn't know of her. I *did* know of Mary, Jesus' mother, though. So perhaps in my childhood religion, the Goddess WAS there, if with a different "identity."
Once I grew up, I began to see that I had some problems with the church's attitudes and teachings. About birth control. About women's roles in the Church. As a young teen I was actually all set to want to enter a convent, to become a Franciscan nun (the order of the nuns at the elementary parochial school I attended for a few years). I knelt in prayer until my knees hurt. I prayed to serve God. At 16 I asked my dad if he would sign papers to allow me to become a Postulant. He said no. He said he wanted me to finish high school and to go to college first. Then, if my vocation was true, that would be the time. I was NOT happy with his answer, but in retrospect I have come to know that he knew me better than myself. In my desire to be special, to have an identity of my own, I was rushing into something I really didn't understand beyond my capacity. Living in a convent would be "safe." I wouldn't have to worry about what boys thought of me (I was tall, wore glasses, etc.). I could run away from all the decisions and choices, and let the nuns make those choices for me. My dad understood this and knew that would be the wrong reason for me to join a religious order.
By the time I was halfway through college (still attending church with my parents, living at home) I began to read and study world religions. I learned a little about the Hindu beliefs in a course by a teacher from India. I learned about Buddhism a little. I learned from my evangelical high school friend, about a different version of Christianity. I realized running in FEAR to a convent was not the answer. It wasn't supposed to be like that. As I finished college, I chose to make a definitive break with my childhood religion, because I knew "God" was demanding more study and thought from me. So, as I began to work full-time, I began to buy books. All kinds of spiritual books. I learned about meditation. I learned about other philosophies and approaches to life. I read Ayn Rand. ;)) I read about Gestalt. I read about TM. I checked out some of the communes and ashrams and so on.
I tried other sects of Christianity. Again finding similar wrongness, IMO, about women's roles and control of their own reproductive choices. I couldn't follow a God that looked at gender as a "separate but equal" concept. I could see in the Civil Rights movements, that this was bunk and really discriminatory, underneath. Just pretty words. Same bias underneath. I learned that women should have many opportunities, many choices. And that these choices were not either/or, but could be "and." I spent a few years as a member of a Zen Buddhist temple. I learned meditation. I learned about the flow of life. I learned about Tao and the symbol of the Circle, the combination of light and dark that we all are. That male/female intertwined, sharing equally in the journey, leadership, follow-ship, what have you, was the real answer. Not patriarchy. Not matriarchy. Neither and both. I left Zen behind because in the version I was studying, it was very male dominated. I knew the answer to feminine sacredness wasn't there, either.
So I kept meditating on my own. Even tried going back to the Catholic Church for a year or two. Same problems. Same disillusionment. Couldn't stay. Then I heard something new was happening. There were "Goddess Circles" and women coming together to talk about spiritual power and the Sacred Feminine. My daughter came asking questions about the Goddess. We bought books. We studied. We talked to other women. We found finally a balance, a way of relating to the Sacred that was demanding, yet fulfilling, loving, not judging. We judge ourselves. Karma holds us accountable. Reincarnation is our classroom to evolve to the fullness of who we were created to become.
My path has been a solitary one. Until the past couple of years, in which I found a small group and am now a member of a little Circle/Coven. :) We celebrate mostly the Sabbats and the rest of the time, I am still on my own solitary spiritual mystic path. I hold myself accountable, I strive to work through the challenges of living "harm none" and not accumulating difficult Karma I will have to work through later, in this life or another. :P I feel the presence of the Goddess and God, I open myself to the guidance that is always there, if I am quiet and ready to listen. Revelation. Awareness. Prayer. Magic. As little daily choices come up, I try to see them in an "awakened" fashion, of their ramifications to my spirit and my journey. Do the choices serve me well? Do they serve my Goddess and God well? Life and spirit are in the details, after all. :D
My journey isn't settled. I am not "home." I am just here, just living day by day, moment by moment, challenge by challenge, choice by choice. I don't think my current definition of a spiritual "home" is any more accurate than another's. I think we are all spokes of a wheel, with the center being the Divine. We name it, we worship a certain way, we set up and write sacred texts and create guidelines and dogma that we think we need to connect with the Divine. Our spiritual wheel rotates, takes on one religion or view and then another, in different cultures, times in history. I see it as an evolutionary process and that we choose our tools as our spirit matures and moves forward, our yearning for the Divine and being one with whatever that is. Maybe we are only "one" at death, as our bodies return to the Earth to nurture other physical life. Maybe death is a "doorway" not to be feared but greeted with joyful expectation. I think none of anyone's "answers" are the whole of it. I do believe we are all doing the best we can, with the answers and understanding we have. I do believe that we should treat each other gently and lovingly and supportively as our journeys connect and disconnect with each other. To give each of us the respect we deserve along the way.
My life is pretty balanced given the choices I have made so far. I am facing "old age and death" as my Zen readings describe it. Many years ago, of course I thought I'd live forever. ;)) Now I know that is not true. My body tells me so. My spirit tells me so. My work here in this lifetime will come to an end, not a full conclusion of my entire journey, but a return to spirit for a respite before taking up the burden again of evolution and reincarnation, to continue the work. It will take as long as it takes. Each lifetime teaching me more about this sacred being that I am now and am becoming.
My path has taught me much about trusting my inner wisdom, my intuition, that guiding voice within, that connects me with my Goddess and God, the Divine. In the struggles over the years, I have gained strength to walk my own path, to push the spiritual envelope of awareness, to trust the journey and its purpose.
Blessings,
Gypsy
)O(
"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass
and loses itself in the sunset.
- Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator
As Above, So Below.
Mika Dog
"All things share the same breath;
the beast, the tree, the man.
The Air shares its spirit with
all the life it supports."
--Chief Seattle
"If there are no dogs in Heaven,
then when I die I want to go where they went."
~Will Rogers
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress
can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
~~Mahatma Gandhi
Love 
