Women at Work

Hi all -

I don't know if I'm just looking to vent or actually get help here but I started back to work last week and daycare started this week. LEaving DD at daycare for the first time was awful. I was crying and certain she'd learn to talk and walk, and never know who I was ever again.

DH was all business and I presumed that was for my benefit since he knew I was on the verge of bursting out in tears. Well - turns out the whole thing was hitting him really hard too and last night we ended up nearly in a fight.

Why you ask? Well. we JUST moved to DH's home town from NYC. WE didn't want to raise kids in the city and this town is a sweet, safe, idyllic place for a kid to grow up. It also happens to be the town where his parents still live and sure enough our new house is a whopping 4 minute drive from the IL's. They are proving to be super helpful and lovely BUT MIL really wants to be our daycare solution.

DH said it all hit him when we were leaving DD there yesterday that he hates the idea of her being in daycare and wants me to consider using MIL at least part time. I have been VERY against this idea because 1. Primarily it blurs the line between nanny/employee and grandma and I don't want that relationship confused. 2. I'm not 100% sure she'd follow my rules and rather do what suits her desire to just oogle and constantly hold the baby etc 3. I want SOME sense of boundaries between us (She can be a little 'up in our business') and privacy.  If she's our 2 day a week nanny than it's much harder for me to be figuring out this parenting business because of the little microscope I already live under.

DH and I were just about to have a fight about it last night when we decided to change the subject and talk about it on a different day when we were less emotional. I just said I'd like some time to get on my feet before we start shaking up everything all over again. I mean hello, I'm a first time mom; I've JUST gone back to work; I now work from home which means I've been demoted - which is fine but an adjustment in terms of how see myself; I just moved to a new city away from my friends and my family and are now surrounded by HIS friends and HIS family - it's just too much crap all at once.

Ugh - anyway, bleck, that's how I feel about it all. I do NOT want to grow resentful toward anyone but am so afraid it will turn into that. Or worse, I'll find that I'm not being honest or open with DH about how I'm feeling because I want to avoid a fight or hard conversation.

Anyway, thanks for reading...

I am so sorry for what you are going though right now. I feel for you and understand the issues you have.

Personally i agree with why you have reservations about MIL doing the part time day care.

I am a pre school teacher who cares for 2 and 3 year olds. from my experience it is usually harder on the children to be in two different places. They thrive with consistency. Their behaviors improve when they only have to live with one day cares set of rules. No matter how well the two may try and communicate their will always be inconsistency.

And if your husband still wants grandma to be involved you can suggest grandma pick up you daughter early on Fridays for some special grandma time. And make sure this suggestion comes from you.

I hope this helps you in some way. and good luck!

I too was thinking along the lines of a few hours per week versus a few days per week. Grandma's are special and so helping your daughter have a special relationship with your mother in law would be wonderful for both of them.

The whole daycare thing will get easier. Find a great daycare and the emotion of dropping her off will lessen as you see she's loving it there :)

De-lurking to say I've walked in your shoes, with ALL of it, the back to work, daycare, MIL in my business mess.

I just wanted to say that you are wise beyond your experience -- the fact that you could change the subject before things got ugly on such a hard day, the fact that you can see so clearly how easy it would be for the relationships and roles to get mixed up if MIL becomes a p/t caregiver. That's beyond commendable, you're doing brilliantly!

Stick with the honest, non-confrontational and completely irrefutable, "I need some time before we tinker with the routine" line. It's true, and it's the right thing to do. Give yourselves a couple of months to adjust, to EVERYTHING. You have all the time in the world to make little adjustments, there's no need to make any more rash changes... having a baby, finding a d/c and going back to work are more than enough to deal with right now!

Good luck to you. I wish I'd been able to see things as clearly as you do when I was in your shoes! :)

I am not a mom, just a lurker in this folder...but your post stood out to me, and I just wanted to offer some hugs and cheer you on a bit.

I think you sound SO smart to hang back on this MIL-as-nanny thing. I truly do. I know SO many people who have had extensive family problems due to situations just like that. In fact, it floors me when I hear of someone whose MIL or mother (or other close relative) is one of their child's primary caregivers.

Perhaps it is because I grew up with slightly distant grandparents, but I just don't think it's a healthy thing. Kind of like adults living with their parents. There is too much weird boundary jumping going on! I was an only child and my mom never trusted her own mother to care for me because she was just too flighty and "old school" (failing to adapt to changes in child care norms)...she worried about my father's mom caring for me because of epilepsy and poor judgment (she once let my older cousin drink a 2 liter of Pepsi all by herself when she was preschool aged!) But I just don't think it's a good idea for grandparents to be in that role.

Given all of the other changes you have experienced lately, it sounds like you are doing great. Don't forget that you ARE making great choices for your child/family.

Good luck,

Angela