I am having a really hard time trying to balance work and my home life. A little background information... my husband has been laid off 4 times in the last year and a half, my son just turned one this weekend, I commute at least 3 hours a day, my day starts at 4:45am and I don't get home until 5:30 and the only time I get with my son after 5:30 each day is to feed him, give him a bath and put him to bed and by the time that is done its almost 8pm each night before my day finaly comes to a place where I can sit down and rest. Not to mention I recently had a miscarrage which just sent my stress levels over the edge. I was having many anxiety/panic attacks a week and just broke down. I went to the doctor and now taking a medication for the attacks and the doctor is making me see a counselor once a week (which takes an evening away from seeing my son). All the while I have a husband that is barely making anything at his job so we can hardly make ends meet but we are thankful he is at least working right now. At the same time, he isn't really trying to make things better. He doesn't help out with my son or take care of anything at home until I get upset and make a big deal out of it. He wont even try to better himself to get a better job he just seems to have given up. In other words I feel I have it all on my shoulders and I don't know how to keep up!!!!!
So after all that being said and working with a therapist of the last few weeks we came to the conclusion that I have to make some life changes otherwise nothing is going to get better. The medicine and counseling can only go so far by themselves. The biggest thing taking over my life is my job. I have decided that I either need to cut the work hours a bit so I can be a better mom and wife and take care of my home a little better, or get a job closer to home. Problem is I work for a work-a-holic who has grown up kids. She got to be at home with her kids when they were young and expects the world of me because soon she wants to retire which means more work for me...
When I came back from maternity leave I was home on Wed's and worked from home some of the time that day until I was done breastfeeding. Well they changed my job and gave me a whole bunch more responsibilities so I couldn't keep up with pumping during the day and decided to let it go. I hated having to do that, but again, I just couldn't keep up. Now I really need those Wed's again to be home but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't think I would get fired or anything, but at the same time I don't want to piss off my boss. I don't know how to get her to understand that all this stress if affecting my home life and now my health. She knows a bit about what is going on, but not everything. I also don't want to leave this job. It's far from home but I have been here many years, they have the best benefits out there (like paying for me and my families health insurance). It's just so far away from home. I am pulled so thin I am so exhausted. I can't live on only 4-5 hours a sleep a night anymore either. sooo....... WHAT DO I DO?!?!
Any other working moms have advice to give? PLEASE! I am so desperate. I just can't go on living like this. I am killing my self week after week and my son is suffering most. I just can't take that. :(
As the counselor said something has to change. As an outsider I see many things that you might consider changing:
1. get a new job, closer to home 2. move houses, find a house closer to your job 3. speak to your boss and tell her the truth without every detail that due to the commute you're really putting in close to 60 hours per week and you'd like either one day to work from home or, you'd like to days to leave early. 4. speak to your husband and let him know that you can no longer do it alone and here are your expectations. 5. find a daycare by work so that you can have your son with you those 3 hours you're commuting and maybe even see him during lunch time.
It really sounds like your boss likes you, trusts you and wants to keep you there.
If you were not commuting 3 hours each day, you'd have 3 more hours to work at home or 3 more hours for your family.
Counselors can be very helpful. I've laid out 5 choices...there might be more I'm not seeing. Make a list of all of your choices with the counselor and talk each one of them out weighing the pros and cons of each choice.
Then it's up to you to pick the best choice(s) and move forward.
I agree that moving your house closer to your workplace might help a lot... it would be a pain to move, but once you're there, 3 hours a day to spend with your family is huge.
I also urge you to have a heart-to-heart with your boss, and tell her exactly what is going on. She sounds like she values you, so she should be willing to help keep you at the company. Give her facts about how your life is affected by your workload, not just feelings. Also give her some alternatives that you have already thought through, for how she can help you: you work from home 2 days a week, or you get Fridays off to spend with your child by moving those Friday hours to the other weekdays, or even you might take a lower-responsibility job so you can reduce your workload and still meet company expectations.
I recently went from regular full time (which is called 40-hours-a-week but was really 50-60 like you) to a reduced workweek (32 hours) that allowed me to keep my benefits, yet I get a day a week to spend with my baby. Yes I took a 20% pay cut, but I could swing that, not sure if you can.
Your husband needs to get in the game. I don't know who watches your child while you work... if you're paying for childcare, does your husband make much more than you're paying in childcare? If not, maybe he should stay at home with your son, take care of the house and meals, etc, which would ease your mind and workload at home. Explain to him that he does not have the option to "give up" when you are working your butt off for your family. Tough love, girl. ;) He can look for a better paying job while continuing his current one if the stay-at-home-dad gig won't work. Or get a second job. But he cannot just "give up".
I hope something I wrote helps you. I know what it is to feel trapped, angry, scared, and tired. You're right, something has to change. You may not find the "ideal" answer, but one that gets you closer to sanity. That's the thing I had to learn.
Belive it when i say I do understand. My life is hectic as yours, i do start my day at 5:15 am and work from home until 7:50 that i take my two year old to school, then work until 4 to pick him up and start what i call the rest of the day (home, cleaning, taking care of my son AND husband, work from home at night etc) when i close my eyes at 11 i am exhausted.
Before being a mom i would work over 40 hours a week and not complain, after my son was born, i have come to realized that a working mom will drive me crazzy unless you put some boundies, you cannot put boundaries to being a wife and a mom, but you can put them to your work.
I saw you can work from home, what about two days a week in which you can leave work early and work those hours at night from home ( i do the reversal i work from home early so i can get there late). Or work on Saturday half a day from home so you can get home a hour earlier (it does makes the different) Talk, to your boss at least she has been there done that (mine is single and with no kids)
Regarding your husband, i have the same same same situation. I do the "crying tired overwhelmed" rutine once in a while so he can see that is not easy even if it seems like it. You can also put a calendar with the house work with your name and his (yours will be more for sure) but that will allow him to see how much you do, how little he does and maybe he will be willing to do more or at least not complain.
I told my hubby unless you are folding the clothes with me i dont want to hear it!!
Good luck, keep the chin up, you are doing great and are a real trooper.
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