Ask the Wedding Expert: Budgets & More

So I'm a bridesmaid for a really good friend of mine that lives far away. I met her 5 years ago on a cruise, and we have remained close friends although we don't get to see each other much.  Well she got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course I said yes. She has always been a great friend, and we have been through a lot together. I love her to death.

So she sent an email out to all the bridesmaids, who I had never met, and the planning began. I tried to offer my help, but I knew there wasnt much I could do because of the distance. However, I tried to help by being pleasant and funny and agreeable, and offering ideas whenever I can. After awhile I felt like I was being ignored, besides the times I offered to pay for something. They planned the bachelorette party near where I lived so I thought this would be my opportunity to help out. Again, I tried to offer suggestions and was ignored, except for the couple of times I did get replies which were mostly rude and disagreeable. I started to get the idea they just didnt like me. Also, some attempts were made to keep me out of some of the activities.

Long story short, the bachelorette party was a complete nightmare. From the moment they met me, they were rude, tried to disclude me from everything, and even a little physically agressive. I was so uncomfortable I didnt attend all of the bachelorette activites, and whenever I was around the 7 other girls made a great effort to be downright mean and let  know I wasnt wanted. The bride started to see but blamed it on "too many girls drinking, ya know, all the estrogen". But she doesnt know the full extent of it.

I don't understand what these girls have against me, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it, they had their minds made up before they even met me. Now I have to travel to where she lives to be in the wedding in 3 weeks. I wasn't invited with a date, and the only people I will know there are the bride and groom (who I dont even know very well), and the horrible girls I met at the bachelorette party. What can I do to release some tension?

I can completely understand how you feel about going to this wedding with the 'Mean Girls' game in full swing. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with such a bunch of immature girls!

As for going to the wedding without a date, I've always looked at this type of situation to be a great opportunity to mingle with strangers of all ages...there's nothing to worry about, since you may never see these people again! But you can just walk up and talk to a group of people sitting at the cocktail party, or approach someone at the buffet table and talk about the food, or scope out the 'fun table' and join right in! The circle of bridesmaids is a very small part of the entire guest list, so while they're stuck with each other, you have the rest of the room to enjoy!

You don't have to pre-know people at the wedding to have a great time. If it helps, tell the bride -- who understands what you're facing with the bridesmaids and their bad attitudes -- that you'd love to be introduced to some of her cousins or non-bridal party friends on the wedding weekend so you have someone to hang out with. She'll certainly understand, and you might be introduced to quite wonderful people!! In situations like this, some brides will allow you to bring a friend or date if they're getting a bunch of Regrets on their response cards and can move onto their B list, but that's a big longshot! You're better off asking for the introduction to other wedding guests, in my opinion. I know bridesmaids who did so and made great contacts in their job fields, which led to job interviews and new jobs, and those who were forced to step out of their comfort zone and talk to strangers...which led to dating some really fabulous guys!

Just feel sorry for those miserable bridesmaids who have nothing else to do in life than create a circle and be mean to people outside of it. Shows that they all have something important missing from their personality arsenals ;)

Hello!

Sorry I've taken so long to reply to this post.  It hits particularly close to home for me since I had a similar situation.  Although in my case the bride was my childhood best friend but I hadn't lived near her since high school and knew none of her bridesmaids or really anyone at her wedding (although my parents were invited to her wedding- which made that part easier).  Her bridesmaids weren't mean to me in anyway but they pretty much ignored me which just makes things uncomfortable.

Soooo, to get this back to you- bravo for supporting your friend in this way despite her other BMs being nasty to you.  I'd continue to be as nice as you can, and if appropriate (and you feel comfortable), I'd probably zing them with something when the bride wasn't around.  Something alone the lines of, I don't care if you all don't like me- I'm not here to be your friend, I'm here because I'm friends with *bride* and I'm here to support her.  If you all want to be childish and immature about this situation, go ahead but know I really don't care.  Often times when you stand up to a bully they'll back down.

If you don't feel comfortable doing that then I'd just do your best to tough it out, and mingle, as Sharon suggested.

Good luck!

Melissa

It sounds like they are just really cliquey. If they were more considerate, they would have thought of how uncomfortable it must be to be an outsider and tried to welcome you. Instead, they were more interested in sticking with the group they were used to and comfortable with, and didn't care about your feelings.

I like the suggestion of trying to mingle with people or asking the bride to introduce you to someone. One thing that I've found useful in situations where I didn't know anybody is to look around the room and see if there was anybody else standing on their own feeling uncomfortable. If there is, those people are usually happy to have you approach them, and it's a good way to meet people or find somebody to hang out with. You may want to give that try.

I would also suggest to raise your shoulders up high, paste a smile on your face, and do your best to look happy. If you try you'll see it's actually pretty hard to feel miserable for very long while you're trying to make yourself look happy. Even if you're on your own, you can still enjoy the ceremony, food, music, etc. Good luck.

I sooo know where youa re coming from. My experience wasn't as dramatic but it for sure had the same tone. My best friend got married. We had been friends since 7th grade. She was in her mid 20's when she got married. She came back to the hometown for the wedding stuff, where I am. She had asked her new sil's to be bridesmaids and one college roommate (who i was excited to meet). Well the college rm mate flew in for the ceremony and left immediately after. I only got to say hello and then we walked down the isle. So, hope she didn't feel snubbed b/c no one had the chance to get to know her. As for the sil's. Oh man did they ever hate me. I had never met them and theylooked ice enough. I walked up to the older sister (b/c I had heard she was the one to make nice with) and introduced myself and put out a hand to shake and she got done looking me up and down and turned on her heel and walked off. OMG! yeah, message received girlfriend! I have never told my friend. She asked later why there were no pics of all her bridesmaids together (I was maid of honor) and I said, sorry guess none of us heard the photographer. I lie. As soon as the group stuff was done I headed out to the reception. There was no way I was gonna make nice w/ that b. NO way. Later, my friend foudn out what a b her sil's relaly were AND that they didn't think it was right they weren't her maid of honor. OMG! She had known them for like a few weeks before the wedding and she'd known me since I was 11 yrs old!!!

WHATEVER. sUck it up. Take a good book and research the area for interesting places to visit in case you get free time. Be there for your friend and know you are the adult friend of NOW and those girls are the pack from the past and they deserve each other. I mean, who doesn't want to make new friends? Can anyone have too many???